A long time ago, I used to a “One-Line Movie Review” that summed up - in one sentence - what I thought of the movie I’d just seen. I sent it out to various email lists and published some online, and many people claimed to like them. I’ve promised to start them up again for years, so here goes.

Rules? One sentence. It might not be a long sentence. It might be one hell of a run-on. Some may be movies still in the theatre and some may be on DVD. That’s enough rules.

11 September, 2007 | No comments

Twittering One-Line Movie Reviews

You see how often I update my blog. I’m going to go ahead and Twitter my One-Line Movie Reviews now, so that I at least update that part of my life…

I’m here:

13 April, 2007 | No comments

Hair High

Bill Plimpton’s animation is so fucked-uppedly wrong and funny that it is impossible to keep a straight face through even a short, and it’s a testament to works like his feature Hair High — with more than one homage to Randal Kleiser’s Grease — that he can somehow make me completely believe that a drugged-up dude in a chicken suit might actually hump a metal scoreboard, and can convince me that I’m completely OK with that.

26 March, 2007 | No comments

300

A few cool images, but overall this movie felt like it took 300 hours to make the point that well-muscled abs and mindless patriotism are far superior to dialogue and negotiations, and I kept thinking, “Why is it that we still behave like this?”

26 March, 2007 | No comments

Making Up for Lost Time

Here’s everything I’ve seen recently that I’ve taken time to think about:

TMNT
Dude, I was the only non-Asian in the theatre - which weirded me out - and it was darker than the other films and slicker, so, like, it took me a while to get into the style of animation, but then I was cool and just sat back and watched the tortugas de nijitsu set up a whole new series of movies and games that every geek like me is going to see and play.

Idiocracy
Fox didn’t want anyone to see this movie, because Mike Judge is a comic genius who makes fun of people like them, but I’d Super Size with him any day, even though the future is certain to be populated by people who are exactly like they are in this movie, in the story “The Marching Morons,” and, evidently, the people who run Fox.

Confederate States of America
This was a disturbing film in so many ways that I now have to buy it and remind myself that things can always be worse.

The Departed
Fantastic performances across the board in this remake, and it’s cool to see Jack Nicholson playing a total sleazebag, and Leonardo DiCaprio beginning to look even more like Nicholson.

Little Miss Sunshine
The people in this road-trip film are so dysfunctionally annoying that it made me constantly hope they’d be victims of a horrible freeway accident, eliminating all of them from the gene pool.

Open Season
Silly but fun movie from animals’ point of view that makes hunters out to be…well, exactly what animals would probably think hunters are: bumbling, dumb, loud pink things from the city that encroach upon their natural environments.

Over the Hedge
Cute, demented animals comment on and battle the things I hate most: suburbia, home owners’ associations, and SUVs, so what’s not to like?

Riding the Metro (Metro ni Notte in Japanese)
This cool science fiction time-travel film dealing with many of Japan’s post-war issues is very much worth seeing, and also convinced me to stop writing my story about time-traveling through the London tube.

A Dog’s Breakfast
I hope people get a chance to see this movie, as it’s all of the following: irreverent, poking fun at Stargate - though there are many Stargate actors and crew involved - delightfully messed-up in its internal logic, and genuinely funny.

Serenity
Not being a Firefly watcher evidently numbed the effect this movie was supposed to have on me, and all I saw was a bunch of people flying around in spaceships, taking themselves too seriously, and acting like they had been hanging out at a Renaissance Faire for too long.

Superman Returns
It’s really too bad Superman returned - because there wasn’t a real need for making this movie, especially not as Super Jesus - but at least there was one good bit with the dog when Lex Luthor says, “Weren’t there two of those?”

The Banquet (Ye Yan in Chinese)
Evidently, Hamlet would have been even more screwed up if he’d been Chinese.